Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
