ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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