You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
