just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
