Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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