He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
