I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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