I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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