dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
