I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
