Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
