you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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