Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I need a burrito and a hug.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
