I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
