He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
