I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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