God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
