I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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