3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
