I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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