Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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