So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
