his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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