I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There r osticjed everywhere
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
