Screwed.edu
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
