Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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