how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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