Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
