I haven't been this sober since birth.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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