just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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