so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
