just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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