Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
