I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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