I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think my moral compass just broke
Omg I joined a choir last night...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
