I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
