She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
