You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
