seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
