Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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