Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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