Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
