Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
