A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
