I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
