what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
