We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw a hot homeless man
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
