My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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