Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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