I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
