For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
