and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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